Buffet Piranha

I thought that this stellarparthenon bulletin board entry of mine from last Friday afternoon was worth preserving for posterity, so I decided to reproduce it here before it sinks into the voluminous SP archives.

I'm actually thinking I might try to parlay my Buffet Piranha concept into a short story, and eventually an action film.

The place where I work, they had the annual staff luncheon yesterday. It's really a lovely event. They brought in a string quartet, and they put out a nice buffet with choice of entree and all that.

And you would think that people would behave themselves in such circumstances. You know, show some restraint, some professionalism, some common human decency. Right?

WRONG!!!

Picture, if you will, a dessert table. A dessert table situated at the other end of the ballroom from the lunch buffet proper, with about seven fancy cakes on seven fancy little cake platters. On one end of the dessert table rests a stack of small dessert plates. On the other end an array of ice cream cups, and an empty space for ice cream. The ice cream isn't there yet because it's not time for dessert yet.

It's only 12:07.

You just got there. You're gonna go get your lunch from the lunch buffet, sit down with your friends, eat, applaud those of your colleagues being recognized for some contribution or another. Gladys is retiring. Sylvia is getting "Employee of the Year."

Then, maybe you're gonna think about dessert, right?

Well, forget about dessert! Forget all about it! You know why? Because at 12:08, about a twenty of your coworkers are going to descend on the dessert table like some mutant species of piranha that has developed opposable thumbs and learned how to walk on land!

They're gonna grab those dessert plates and pile not one, not two, but as many as four slices of cake on each one! Then they'll take that heaping pile of calorie-dense baked goods back to their respective tables, and then get in line for lunch.

I swear by 12:20, that dessert table looked like something the bears in Yosemite got a hold of the day they woke up from hibernation!

Then at 12:30 the caterers brought out the ice cream and it started all over again!!!

So then I got to thinking. The world is full of pop stars and internet billionaires willing to spend a lot of money to stay in shape, right? And all those people need to have entourages, right?

So here's my plan: I start a business called Buffet Piranha. Here's how it works. Let's say you're some rich famous person. I send out a team of Buffet Piranha to form a human shield around you. They eat all the high calorie food before you can get to it, forcing you to live on a diet of leafy greens, tofu and unsweetened iced tea.

Oh! And then I can do the talk show circuit! I've always wanted to do the talk show circuit! Can't you just see me talking about this on "The View"?

POSTSCRIPT: I will share here my favorite of many follow-up posts inspired by the Buffet Piranha anecdote (from my Internet friend Willowgirl): "Kurt, I have four words for you: Day of the Locusts. 'Nuff said!"

Kurt "big daddy" True
15 may 2005