Annoying Expressions of 2006

Well, it's a new year and that means I've got 365 days worth of pent-up annoying expressions to get off my chest.

Grab a can a whoopass, folks, it's time to whomp down The Most Annoying Expressions of 2006.

Arguably

In 2006, this adverbial inanity was splattered all over print journalism like chiggers on an Amtrack observation car.

"Clinton is arguably the most enduring democratic presence since Edmund Muskie."

"Wilmington has arguably the most agreeable climate on the Atlantic Seaboard."

Look, if you're expecting somebody to argue with you about it, don't go stepping out on that rhetorical limb. Don't go using some superlative that conveys no useful information and then qualify it with some weasely modifier that gets you off the hook in case somebody doesn't agree with you! Do I even care that Virginia Beach or Roanoke might have a more agreeable climate than Wilmington?

No. I don't. So just tell me what we're looking at in terms of average temperature and rainfall, and I'll decide if I want to go to Wilmington. We don't to send in the debate squad to hash it out.

The Arab Street

You hear this one on CNN a lot, frequently in reference to Turks, Afghans, Singaporeans and other non-Arabs who live in that roughly trapezoidal section of the globe that Americans think of as The Muslim World.

Ever wonder why other ethnic groups don't have a street? Why is there no Slavic Street? "Will Serbia join NATO, Anderson? What's the word on the Slavic Street?"

And how come there's no Gay Street? Same-sex marriage is in the news every other day. How come Fox News doesn't send a correspondent out to West Hollywood to find out what they're saying on the Gay Street?

Because that would sound really dumb, that's why! Everybody knows there's no such thing as the Gay Street!

Look, Arabs are people, just like you and me. They have a wide variety of opinions and life experiences just like every other demographic group. They don't live on a special magical street. They're not like Big Bird.

Web 2.0

I'm getting really tired of this one. Believe me. I'm a programmer. The expression "Web 2.0" has absolutely no basis in reality. I think it was invented by securities brokers as a marketing gimmick to promote the next round of dot.com Ponzi schemes.

Sure, virtual communities and video are a lot of fun, but, from a technological standpoint, there's nothing particularly new about them, and from an investment standpoint, stick with your 401(K) and your mutual funds. Google can afford to blow a bundle on a profitless start-up with a shakey business model. You can't.

Graphic content

In my day we didn't have video games. Well, we had Pong. And the thing with the tanks. Remember that? The two little tanks, and you'd fire your tank, and a little green dot would come out of it.

Anyway, we didn't have anything like these video games today. Violence? We had no violence. I mean, if the tank blew up, it just went from being a solid green rectangle to being some randomized green pixels. And you'd hear a "krrrr" sound. Kind of like one of those icemakers they have in your hotel near the fire exit.

Anyway, I found myself in one of these video game stores a few weeks ago. I saw this video game with a warning label on it: "Game includes graphic content and explicit language."

I wanted to go up to the counter and say "Tell me something, where can I find a video game with no graphic content and only implicit language"?

"."

I imagine some of you might think Big Daddy's going a little too far including a punctuation mark in this year's list. Perhaps a little explanation is in order.

I started noticing in some of the online forums I belong to, people were using multiple periods as a way of indicating that a particular sentence or noun phrase should be read with a dramatic pause after each word.

"Best. Cheesefries. Ever."

"Horribly. Painful. Bikiniwax."

"Five. Pound. Hairball."

"My. Husband. Is. A. Dumb. Ass."

As far as I can discern, this all started with the novelist David Eggers. He wrote some book where anthropomorphic cancer cells talk with periods after every word.

Well, that's fine. David Eggers gets to do that. He's the one who thought it up. And, to the best of my knowledge, he only used it for anthropomorphic cancer cell dialog. It's not like he uses it for just day to day communication.

I know, because I've gotten rejection letters from his quarterly before, and they don't say "This. Story. Bites."

Happy 2007, everybody! May you whomp those annoying expressions into oblivion, wherever you may find them.

Kurt "big daddy" True
1 january 2007