Vegas Trends, part 3

Why is it people go on a trip somewhere, they expect to go back in time?

You know what I mean? They're not going to the place as it exists now but to the place as it existed in some more colorful era.

When I lived in Chicago, the European tourists all thought they were going to see flappers drinking bathtub gin and dancing the Charleston and hoodlums in big hats shooting it out with tommy guns on Michigan Avenue.

These days I work in Berkeley. Teenagers are always asking me how to get to People's Park.

I want to say "People's Park? Why do you want to see People's Park?! You don't have winos and human excrement where you live?"

See, but they think they're going to see People's Park from thirty-seven years ago. Hippies and free love and some guy in a buckskin vest playing folk music.

Which brings us to Vegas. Close your eyes and picture Vegas. What do you see? Limosines, evening gowns, and tuxedos, cocktail rings and cufflinks, a Champagne bucket, a lounge singer in a shiny dinner jacket singing an up-tempo version of "On a Clear Day."

See? That is exactly what I'm talking about! That Vegas died a long time ago! That Vegas died when the Rat Pack left town and NBC started broadcasting "Let's Make a Deal" there.

That's when Vegas ceased to be a place for style and sophistication and became a place for people to dress up like barnyard animals and gap-toothed Appalachian yokels for a chance to win a year's supply of Turtle Wax and macaroni and cheese.

In short, Vegas became a place for ass clowns.

On a sunny afternoon you might find a typical 21st Century ass clown parading down the once-glamorous Strip in a baseball cap, a half-dozen tacky gold medalions, a basketball jersey and huge denim shorts hanging halfway off his morbidly obese posterior and carrying a tropical drink large enough to require a four-foot straw and a harness.

Later, he might double park in front of the Mirage and watch the volcano erupt as he blasts pop music from his sport utility vehicle at a volume loud enough to induce seizures in pre-teen children.

If you want to make it in the casino business, ass clowns represent your fastest growing demographic! Give them colorful and grotesquely oversized complimentary cocktails and a buffet featuring abundant calorie-dense foods! And when it comes to your lounge act, book the most offensive, ear-splitting, potty-mouthed rappers you can find!

If you really want to shake things up, hire Monty Hall as your headliner and start taping "Let's Make A Deal!" in your main showroom. It's such a natural, isn't it? Kind of brings the whole ass clown phenomenon full circle.

And ass clowns still love macaroni and cheese! Some things never change. Turtle Wax, I don't know. Do people still use that stuff? We'll figure it out. I'll ask Jeffrey to do some market research.

Kurt "big daddy" True
9 october 2005